A guide to the feeding habits of a (modern) vampire

This post could never be made without the help of the powerful and incredibly smart yh. If our conversation did not occur a few weeks ago, this post would never be made m(_  _)m

Vampires are all the rage these days. But they are criminally understood. Pop-culture references to the once fearsome vampire have turned them into pansys and the race that was once horrific and feared is now jeered and hated undeservingly T_T

awesome card alter by serrot_29 of MTG Salvation Forums. You rock, serrot_29 *_*\m/

One trademark of the noble vampire is it's vicious canine teeth, thought to be used to pierce the throat of its victims and extracts their blood dry within a method of seconds.

..just reading the sentence above out loud shows how rediculous that line of thinking is, especially with regards towards the high, classy image of a noble vampire.

Imagine the slurping sounds! What kind of lips would be required for such a task? Logic suggests big, suction-cup-like lips to prevent spillage of blood when feeding, similar to those found on Catostomus commersonii, or more commonly known as the White Sucker (really, I swear, you can't make this shit up. Click the link).

So, puncturing the neck with two holes, then loud slurping sounds from these two holes, large lips. Messy, sloppy. Nope, I don't think that's what vampires do, nope. Not to mention I've never seen a vampire with lusciously thick lips...

Wait, two holes?! Does that mean the vampire latches onto its victim's throat with only the top or bottom jaw? What happened to the other two canine teeth? This doesn't make sense! +__+

All this is proof enough that the popular vampire bite on the neck might actually be romanticised by novelists and scriptwriters by taking advantage of the fact that biting the neck is.. kinda kinky? :3

So then, lets speculate on how vampires actually feed~

I have this theory, that actually, vampires are actually the ones that created the advanced technology known to us now as the drinking straw. The pucturing of the neck is actually true in this case, though it is done by a quick, swift stab of the straw, and then the vampire drinks the human in a classy fashion, maybe over a nice conversation over the weather with friends or while reading classic poetry.

This method was so classy and effective that it was widely adopted and even became a trend, which humans picked up and incorporated in their own methods of liquid absorbtion. The phrase 'the straw that broke the camel's back'[1] comes from this notion, as an enterprising (re: thirsty) vampire attempted to drink the nutritious fluids stored in his camel using a straw.

The phrase 'the last straw' is also believed to have originated from this event, as it was the straw that was the downfall of the brave camel. Other sources suggest that this phrase comes from the popular saying before one dies (to a vampire), they will see 'the last straw'.[2]

So yeah, I'll never look at straws the same way ever again :P

Ok, that's enough bullshit. Straws? Really? XD I can easily refute that claim by saying that vampires still retain their trademark fangs, which are otherwise obsoleted by the straws. So what? Does that mean that the evolution of the physiology of the classy vampire that resulted from blending in with human society is just slow? With the usage of straws, will the future generations of vampires not have the fangs anymore and instead have to rely on external instruments to feed?

Highly unlikely, I'd say. That's not how evolution works. Beings evolve towards a form that's fully equipped with everything it needs for survival.[3] (further citation required)

So what other method would an aspiring vampire use to obtain the oh-so nutritiuos blood that flows within its prey?

I think, most probably, the modern vampire will bite the wrist of its victim. Think about it, the wrist is the correct size, and all four fangs would be able to clamp nicely. Its also much easier to grab hold of and reach, compared to the neck.

My advice to you, then, is to start wearing silver watches. On both hands. :D and WATCH OUT FOR STRAWS *u* Peace.

(If you don't see anymore posts from me from now onwards, chances are that they have discovered that I've exposed their secrets and.. exterminated me ;_; I'm sorry~ I tried to help all of you..)

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[1] This phrase has an almost completely different meaning in the human world thanks to the reluctance of mainstream historians in accepting the fact that drinking straws were already created centuries before Marvin C. Stone's patent in 1888.

[2] Similar to the previous phrase, this phrase has been adapted for human use and instead conveys the meaning of loss of patience, in contrast to loss of life. Conspiracy theorists suggest that this change of terms originated from the worldwide cover-up movement by vampires who wanted fade into history like other mythical beasts. (further citation required)

[3] Matters on the evolution of the vampire species are currently seperated into two seperate schools of thought; one extreme leaning towards the fact that the vampire's immortal nature suggests that it would not need to undergo any form of evolution as it is already perfect, while the other extreme claims that humanoid vampires have effectively become extinct due to their extreme adaptability, first adapting by evolving into human forms to take advantage of human's sexual desire, and once the human community has become alerted to these methods, they adapted into the almost impossible to catch and destroy mosquito.